Since moving to this new town and getting married, my social life had calmed down quite a bit. I knew very few people in town except for his family and the ladies that I bowled with, and most of them weren’t very sociable. It was a small town, barely over 500 people, and most of the inhabitants either grew up here or had cemented their friendships by the time I arrived. I had met her once before, after bowling one night when I decided to stop in at the bar and the group she hung around with were having a 40th birthday party. I was nervous to go to the bar by myself, but yet not quite ready to go home yet. After I had sat at the bar by myself for a bit they invited me to join them. It would become apparent that I was younger than most of them by a few years, except for the only other one in the group that was also married and had children. A small bunch of women, obviously very close knit and having fun. I was missing the fun that I used to have with my friends, and this group seemed like a perfect place to get some of that fun back and make some new friends.
I will never forget the first night we talked. I had gone back to the bar with my husband to throw a few darts and to get away from the house and the kids for awhile. When I married him I inherited three children in addition to my 2 year old from my first marriage. It was quite a change in my lifestyle, took some adapting to, and I was ready for a little break away from it all. It was rather slow in the bar, and as we sat on the end throwing our darts, she carried her cup of Diet Coke to the end and reintroduced herself to me. We talked for quite a long time. It seemed like we had been friends forever, the conversation came quickly and easily. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation she told me she was a lesbian and that she lived with her girlfriend. I don’t know what kind of reaction she was expecting, but I told her that I had other friends that were lesbians, and it wasn’t anything that bothered me. We continued our conversation after that and after a longer time than I thought, I went home with my husband. I was happy to have made a friend in what otherwise seemed to be a very unsociable town, and I had a feeling that we would be friends for quite some time.
After that, I became more comfortable with going out by myself and would usually hook up with somebody from that group of women. I formed friendships with them quite easily, even her girlfriend. She was very butch, and we had a lot in common. I guess now I would consider myself to be a soft butch, if there is such a thing, but before all this I just was very much a tomboy. It was about that time that the girlfriend had left the state on a “vacation” I believe, but ended up staying in this other state for quite awhile, my friend from the bar receiving nasty calls from the “other woman”. Talk about naïve, for some reason it amazed me to watch this relationship between two women so closely resemble a troubled marriage, and to resemble troubles I have had, or soon would have in my relationships.
Through all this, I know now that my feelings for her were developing, and that it was making me upset that the girlfriend was being such an ass. Eventually the girlfriend came back, and they resumed their relationship, strangely enough strengthened by a bout with cancer. We were all again a group of women, a group of close friends, and having fun enjoying life. I always felt especially drawn to her, and felt very protective of her. There were little flare-ups in their relationship along the way, but they seemed to be holding their own.
It was my birthday, and the group was throwing a party for me. My husband had to work so he couldn’t attend, but some friends from where I used to live came over to join us. It really didn’t bother me that he wasn’t there, we were traveling some rough and rocky roads in our relationship, and being with my group of friends was usually took the edge away. We drank and laughed and talked, my old group of friends blending in with the new. Somehow over the time I had lived here, I had gotten a reputation for giving good neck/shoulder rubs, and that started. It didn’t surprise me when she asked for a back rub, or when she asked that I do it under the sweatshirt, what surprised me was the sensation I got when I touched her bare skin. We had developed a very solid friendship by that point, and knew the intimate details of each other’s lives and relationships, but that feeling was more than I had bargained for. I had never thought about her in the way I did that night, had never thought about any other woman that way before, but all of a sudden it was there. The night continued on much like any other night when we were all together, and although things didn’t change, I couldn’t get her out of my head.
Eventually, I had to put all my thoughts down on paper and give to her. I was so confused, and looking back at it all now, I guess I was just hoping for some confirmation back from her that she had some type of attraction to me to. But that was not the case, she had shown the note to her girlfriend, and told me that she was happy with her, had been with her for ten years, and that I needed to understand that we were just friends. I felt very embarrassed and for awhile quit hanging around them so much. But mostly I just felt lonely and I missed my friend.
After a few months, the embarrassment had gone, we were back to hanging out, and the girlfriend had left to take care of her elderly parents. She would come back every three months or so to spend the weekend and get checkups for the cancer. A lot of secrets had surfaced over this time, and the relationship between the two of them had deteriorated, while ours continued to grow stronger.
And then it happened, a particularly bad incident had occurred, and my friend was very upset. I went to the bathroom of the pub where we hung out to talk to her and try to comfort her. It was there that she kissed me full and square on the mouth, and then left the bathroom without so much as a word. I don’t know if she did it out of anger at her girlfriend, to get back at her, or if she just felt that close to me. Whatever the reason, that moment in my life is significant in who I am now.
We continued to grow closer and develop stronger bonds, but never again touching or kissing. I had grown quite close to the entire group and my marriage had deteriorated to the point that I was miserable, and she became my shoulder to cry on. Having her to talk to was a blessing, and we always managed to have fun. I knew I was in love with her, and always wanted to be with her, but there were issues that needed to be worked through in both of our lives.
It began again quite innocently, we had both worked at the bar that night and were driving around afterwards talking and winding down for the night. I don’t remember how it started, or even who did start it, but months of pent up sexual energy exploded and we were making out parked behind the bar. She was an incredible kisser, and she took my breath away. That started many nights of driving around, necking, petting, and constantly looking over our shoulders to make sure we didn’t get caught. I was still married with children, she was still semi into the other relationship, and we didn’t’ want anyone to get hurt. I hadn’t felt this much desire in so long, and wanted to be with her so badly, but was hesitant to take it to that next level. I didn’t want to be an adulteress, I didn’t want to hurt my husband and kids even though the relationship was pretty much done. I didn’t want to hurt or anger our friends, I didn’t want to hurt her girlfriend, and I was scared beyond belief. What if I couldn’t make love to her, what if I wasn’t good enough, what if she didn’t feel the same way after all.
About a month went by of this sneaking around, trying to find time to be alone with each other, trying to find the time to feed the passions and desires we had. The girlfriend was back for our annual fund raiser for local cancer patients, as were my parents, and things were hectic. The two of them weren’t getting along all that well, but were putting up a good show for the event, as were my husband and I. We managed to pull off another successful event, had a great time, but didn’t get the chance to be alone, barely had the chance to talk. I had missed her so much that week, and couldn’t wait for things to get back to “normal”.
Unfortunately, that would not be the case. In the early morning hours of that Sunday, my mother passed away at the age of 55 in our house. After watching my father perform CPR on her while I held her hand, and the ambulance hauling her away, I just wanted to run to my lover’s house and hide. But I couldn’t, the girlfriend was there, my husband and father were telling me to get in the car so we could go to the hospital, and I was in a state of shock. How things had changed so rapidly in such little time.
The next few weeks are still mostly a blur. I saw her twice over that time period, once when I stopped to get a cooler from the bar. I had just returned from getting my sister and brother from the airport and was on my way to the town where the funeral would be held. We had stopped on the way to make the final arrangements and to view my mother for the last time. I was a complete and total wreck on the inside, but trying to hold it together for everyone else. In that one day, my friends had gathered a huge amount of food and monetary donations to feed our family during this time, what a bunch they are.
I walked into the bar and there she stood, I wanted to run and melt into her arms. I wanted to cry like a baby and let her hold me. I could see that she wanted too, but there were others there. I couldn’t speak for fear of releasing all my emotion, I just took the supplies and left.
I didn’t talk to her for better than a week after that. After the funeral, I returned to my parent’s place with my father and the rest of our family. Once I was able to go back home, I called her almost the minute my husband walked out the door to go to work, I hadn’t missed him while I was gone, it was her I longed to talk to. Within a couple of days things were back to “normal” or somewhat, except that my husband and I were getting along better than we had in ages.
Two nights after I returned from my father’s, some friends were having a cookout and invited us. My husband wouldn’t go, he didn’t much like my group of friends. I stayed with him awhile until he dropped the bombshell that he was leaving for a month to go to rehab. I was immediately thrown back into a state of shock, how could he leave me now in such a fragile state? I was barely functioning as it was, how was I supposed to take care of the house and the kids when I could barely take care of me. But, being the caretaker I was I made the arrangements for him to be admitted the next morning, packed his bags, watched him pass out on the couch, and then went to the cookout.
She was the first person I spotted when I arrived, and the only one I wanted to see. The girlfriend was still there, so I talked to them about what was going on at home. They helped me to see what a good thing it was, although it was tough at the time. My lover and I went to town on a beer run, and I was so glad to have just those few moments alone with her. Over the next few months we would still see each other occasionally and get in whatever time we could. We first made love on her birthday, I was very nervous and I’m sure very awkward, it was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
I moved out of my house on Labor Day, since my husband came home from rehab things had been worse than ever. When he told me I was to go to work, come home and take care of the kids and the house, and give up my friends, I knew it was time to leave. They had been my support and my life over that terrible summer, and there was no way I was going to let that selfish SOB treat me like that. It was a hard choice to go out on my own again, but I knew I needed to, I needed time to find me again.
Over the next few months she and I did a lot of talking. We both knew we wanted to be together, but we had to be certain that we were definitely done with our past relationships. There was also the issue of my six year old daughter, we had to do what we could to protect her. In a town our size, people talk a lot, and kids can be so cruel. It seemed that there were hundreds of walls that had to be torn down and things were up and down for quite awhile after that. As with any relationship, we had a lot to learn about each other, and I usually have to learn the hard way. She is very fiery, a quality I love about her, but I haven’t always learned to steer clear of her when she’s upset. There was a hidden level of mistrust that we both carried from our previous relationships, and that feeling of not wanting to get seriously involved because of the fear of getting burned again always nagging at us.
I don’t know for certain at what point that all changed, or at what moment I knew for certain that she was all that I wanted and that I was all she wanted, but eventually it came. I Love my daughter with all my heart and soul, but my lover is the driving force in my life. We spent an incredible summer together this past year while my daughter was at her father’s, and have formed an unbreakable bond and a deep, deep love for one another.
It’s hard to not be so obvious how I feel about her, especially when we are out in public. Our friends are all very supportive, and have let us know that it is very obvious how we feel about each other. It’s still a struggle some times to find time to be alone. We spend enormous amounts of time together, and when we are in public or with my daughter, it is a huge effort for me not to touch and kiss her. The passion and desire I have for her is incredible, I could spend days just laying in bed with her, kissing her, making love to her, falling asleep and waking up in her arms. I am definitely not afraid of making love to her anymore, I look forward to every opportunity we have. Kissing her and making love with her is so much more satisfying than it was with any man I’ve been with. I have no desire to be with anyone else, and don’t find myself attracted to other women or men, she is the only one in my life. I have felt love before, but nothing like the love I feel for her, she is my best friend, she is my lover, she is my soulmate, she is my companion, she is my love and my life.
I want her to move in with me so that I can wake up every morning with her by my side, but she is much more cautious and practical than I am. I miss her so much the days we don’t get to spend time together that I feel like my heart is breaking in two. I don’t know that the day will ever come when we will live under the same roof, but I hope that it does. When I talked to her the other night before going to bed she said to me “the more time I spend with you the harder it is to stay away from you”. So for now I will cherish every moment we have together, and remain hopeful for that day…………
— Love story by A.S
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